In these houses, a high value is placed on achievement. I think the way these children are made send the message: “You are not very good. You need to achieve. You have not been accepted. ,
When children struggle, it is particularly destructive. Some children have disabilities due to preterm being born, which used to have a great risk with IVF. Or they have learning differences or autism.
Sometimes, the parents chose an egg donor and then later revealed that he had psychiatric problems. The child is then seen through the lens that can be very destructive and painful: “Your donor is crazy, so you should also be.”
The child is feeling very different, knowing that they were an experiment, but not getting proper support or acceptance, they need to flourish. Because there is no one to take care that likes, “I meet you.” None of it is.
In my work, I help to accept the parents: this is the child you have. And I help children to accept their parents' reality and create a relationship that is less hurt – or creates life without them.
Many of my families have neurodivers members who need help to make abstract concepts more solid. Sometimes just explaining that “you and your child are not the same person”. Or say that a teenager does not feel love. I may need to clarify them that “love” is not a solid feeling, such as pinch or kicking. This means that someone feels fond of you like you feel fond of legos or drones.
In high school, a lot of teenagers are connecting with step-siblings through 23andme, sometimes who live all over the world. In these families, different eggs are common for separate children because they have tried to get a sporty son and an artistic daughter. What do you do when one of your children has found their step-siblings and bonding, while your second child does not have a good experience with his new relatives? Whom do you invite for thanksgiving?
I really feel for mothers. They are trying to balance the expectations of all and keep it together. But it is also inappropriate for dads. Because I am not sure that dad can make an accurate prediction of human behavior. They can probably predict shares, but there are lots of variables in human behavior. I do not know that someone has to ensure that parents understand that they cannot test a child and then return it.
Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The child is going to rebel. If you have a prior perception of how they are going to be, then you are either going to be severely disappointed or you are going to push them into a mold and it is not going to work.
Probably sometimes it works, but they do not come to me.
—AS told EMI Neetfeld